It’s a little crowded in here

I think way too hard, and way too much. I have swept every dusty corner with my mind. If it exist, then I have probably thought about it.

Today, I was thinking how often people shrink and morph themselves into these creatures they believe will appeal to the masses. People mold their personalities and their views so that they will feel as though they fit in and so they don’t step on anyone’s toes.

I caught myself doing this today. I was spending time with some people that I didn’t know very well and I noticed my personality quickly departing from my body. On the surface I looked comfortable, I laughed along with all of the jokes, and agreed politely at the important moments but I never made any contributing opinion or thoughts of my own to the conversation. The part of me that burst with wit and silly humor had gone completely silent. Even if I wanted to fake that I was confident and force my way into the conversation, my mind had literally gone silent and there was nothing to say. I felt completely powerless and disconnected from who I was.

This is actually something that has been happening often, it’s just now worrying me and setting off alarms. The emotional side of me completely shuts down when I am feeling insecure and vulnerable, and this isn’t something that I want for myself.
I want to radiate with the spirit of who I truly am, not embody a weak and powerless person.

Sigh

The view is great down here

Here I was lying on the floor, drinking lemon water and contemplating the meaning of life with my pup. Because, that’s what you do at 7:30 in the morning- you drink something that burns your throat, because it’s good for you, and talk life with your dog.

It’s so incredible how easy it is to get caught up, in everything. It’s so incredibly easy to forget that everything is temporary.

I’ve always been so caught up in the fact that if I was feeling sad, that obviously meant that my life was bad and needed change. But i’m learning that sadness is a human emotion, just like happiness and anger. Just because I feel sad sometimes, doesn’t mean that I need some monumental change to occur in my life. I just have to acknowledge that at the moment this pain and sadness is needed in my life. Sometimes I need to fall down to gain a better perspective of where I am and who I am, and to grow as a person.

Tomorrow, I may wake up feeling completely blissful and grateful to be alive. This is a feeling that must be treasured and cared for, because it is also temporary. I may wake up tomorrow engulfed in my sadness, and not care that I ever typed these words.

The fact that everything is so temporary is scary, but it is also freeing. It’s freeing to know that when all of the stars have fallen out of the midnight sky that I will get another chance at daybreak.

Every day, every hour, every minute, every second you get another chance.

Keep growing.

Lately, I’ve been genuinely happy.

This is good. 

Valley

Ye though I walk through  the valley of death

The valley is really deep, and it’s a lot darker than I thought it would be. It’s hard to know if you’re even walking in the right direction. I could be walking backwards for all I know. I could be walking to the right or left, making this valley a lot longer than it has to be.

I don’t think that for the longest time that I even knew that this was my valley.

Maybe depression is my valley.

But can you come through depression? Or do you just learn to manage?

I feel like the valley also has like mini valleys within the valley. Valleyception per say. Like I think you can forget that you’re in the valley. You get used to the darkness. Then one morning you’re choking back sobs as you clutch onto your mother’s seizure medicine, looking for an end to it all. What’s crazy is the next day, you’re wondering why you had such extreme thoughts. Then it happens again, and the cycle continues.

But i’m getting weak. I’m in this valley and I don’t know where to go, and I’m tired of walking.

I know that he is with me and he wants me to trust in him,

But me oh my it is so hard.  When you’re in one of those choking-back-sobs-no-need-for-life kinda states, it’s hard to believe that these feelings serve a greater purpose. It’s when you want to lash out and hate God for making you feel this way.

I know that’s not how you’re supposed to feel. But in those moments the feelings are so raw, and they demand to be felt.

I’m out of my mini valley for today.

Inhale.

Exhale.

 

Thankful

I am thankful for a God that is so forgiving and so patient with me.

I am thankful for all of the ways that I can eat potatoes.

I am thankful for friends who will randomly go to Wendys with me and just talk about life.

I am so so so thankful for my dog, who thinks i’m the best dang thing around.

I am thankful for my family.

I am thankful for my body, that I am healthy and strong.

I am thankful for music that inspires me to be happy.

I am thankful for new days.

 

 

Lost

 

I feel like my grammar isn’t top notch, and that makes blogging a very nerve-racking experience.

I honestly feel so incredibly lost. I feel like everyone around has just got their crap together, even if they actually don’t. I just feel like i’m going through the motions, and that my life is meaningless. I get my my assignments done with excellency, but I can’t carry a decent conversation because i’m bedridden with anxiety. Like what the world. I can’t live like this. I want to become better but I don’t know how. I have good days where I feel like i’m doing something right, but then night comes and I am reminded that I completely and utterly lost.

I don’t want to live like this anymore.

I don’t mind being a bit lost, but it kills me to feel so alone.

I have friends and family, but I feel like everyone already has this image of who I am. But I’m not that girl. That isn’t me anymore, I don’t know where she went. Maybe I took a wrong turn somewhere, and I forgot that I could just turn around whenever I wanted to. Now I feel so far gone in the wrong direction, I feel hopeless.

People say you can just choose happiness. Just make it an effort in your mind to be happy. Fight off your demons. But i’ve made friends with my demons.

*sigh*

This is hard.

 

Faith

I ask myself the same question every single day.

“Why is it so hard for me to have faith in God?”

I place my faith in everything but him. I look to my friends for companionship, money for security, and technology for entertainment. But the mere thought of having to depend on God for all of my security sends anxiety running through my veins.

Why?

Maybe I’m afraid that if I put all of my faith in him, he’ll tell me to wait. Or maybe i’m afraid that he’ll tell me that those things are not for me. Maybe he’ll tell me that this is the cross that I have to bear, I don’t know.

I look at others around me and see their faith, and I just feel so angry at myself

WHY CAN’T I BE LIKE THAT

It’s hard. So hard.

Maybe it’s hard for everyone, and they have to fight for their faith every single day too. I don’t know their story.

Perhaps my life lens are a bit foggy, and I shouldn’t make judgments based on what I see.

I’m learning.

Grateful

I am grateful for my kittens who make me cry laugh at sheer cuteness.

I am grateful for my little sister who still looks up to me even after I say things I do not mean.

I am grateful for warm green tea.

I am grateful for long walks with my dog.

I am grateful for frosted animal cookies.

I am oh so thankful for Netflix.

I am thankful that I am forgiven.

I am grateful that I feel stronger today than I did yesterday.